The following document, recently made public by the Cape Cod Film Commission, was discovered five years ago by souvenir-seeking scavengers in the basement of the recently demolished Buzzards Bay Theater. It purports to be a draft of production notes written by the Continuity Director of “The Cape Cod Story”, a six-hour motion picture shot in and around the town of Bourne and released April 1, 2010.
Promoted as a blockbuster epic of its genre (historical drama), the film’s domestic box office gross of $111.56 was a major disappointment to its Hong Kong financial backers, and it was pulled from distribution shortly after the producer was institutionalized. All existing prints and negatives were subsequently destroyed as a condition of the Studio’s bankruptcy proceedings. Googling “The Cape Cod Story” generates 5,470,000 Results, none of which are related.
The recovered continuity notes read as follows:
Having now screened the rushes, I have the following comments to make re a number of geographic, historical, and other anomalies (presumably caused by our L.A. crew’s unfamiliarity with the local zeitgeist) which should be corrected before the cast disperses and the sets are broken down:
Act I, Scene 1 – The Sagamore Bridge off-ramp does not connect directly with Commercial Street in Provincetown, no matter how much this “harmless” fiction helps to move the story along.
Act I, Scene 2 – A BlackBerry® is partially visible tucked into the loincloth of the actor playing Sachem Iyannough.
Act III, Scene 13 – Edit the “Nantucket wind turbine…” reference to read, “Nantucket windmill.”
Act IV, Scene 7 – John Smith and Pocahantas were not Cape Cod historical figures; that was a different movie. Ditto references to “Hiawatha”(Scene 8), “Uncas” (Scene 11), and Crispus Attucks (Scene 33).
[Yes, I am well aware that Attucks Lane in Hyannis is named after him, but nevertheless…]
Act V, Scene 3 – The cameraman’s egregious effort to frame the closeup shot of John Alden and Priscilla Mullins in flagrante delicto as a “selfie” is not only anachronistic, but is in decidedly poor taste for a family film.
Act VII, Scene 7 – The terms “Upper Cape” and “Lower Cape” should be dropped from this scene, as well as from Scenes 8, 9, 11,13…ad infinitum. They will be as confusing to the audience as they are to actual Cape Cod residents.
Act X, Scene 12 – (Melody Tent sequence) Contrary to popular belief, Patti Page visited the Cape many times before recording “Old Cape Cod”. Her sojourns here were not noted at the time because everybody thought she was Anne Murray.
Act X, Scene 56 – Probably too late to bring it up, but casting the unknown child actor Justin Bieber as the young “Squanto” should have been rethought.
One thought on “Annals of Cape Cod”
haha funny piece 🙂 include sharks next time. they are all the rage!