Osterville, MA – Even veteran members of the Cape Cod press corps reacted with stunned disbelief at the announcement today by the Cape Cod Commission that the 2015 summer tourist season has been cancelled.

The bombshell was delivered at the Commission’s annual Press Luncheon held in the Grand Ballroom of the posh Motel 6 in Osterville.

Asked for clarification, CCC spokesperson Mercy Otis responded, “this action, which to some may seem draconian, is intended to relieve the psychic toll on Cape Codders triggered by the annual onslaught of thousands of tourists determined to have a ‘good time’ at whatever cost to the Cape’s infrastructure, environment, and peace of mind.

Asked about the potential impact of this move on the shaky economy of the EU, since guest workers from Europe will no longer be needed, Otis admitted that it would undoubtedly cause widespread hardship, but that “Europeans will simply have to figure out some other way to finance their kids’ college education.”

“Furthermore”, she noted, “this hiatus will allow the Army Corps of Engineers to finally complete the repair work on the Sagamore and Bourne bridges begun immediately following their completion in 1935. Additionally, it will give the DOT some breathing room to finalize the footprint and design of the proposed new carbon fiber toll bridge over the canal.”

Among those in attendance at the luncheon was abecedarian Governor Charlie “Too Tall” Baker, who, having good-naturedly endured a blizzard of “Mutt & Jeff” selfie requests from all the short people in the room, was asked to comment on the Commission’s plan. “OMG”, he responded, “it will be a disaster”, thereby inadvertently triggering the release of $250M in disaster-relief funds to be shared by the Cape’s towns and villages whose tax base will evaporate with the shutdown.

Shortly thereafter, the open bar closed and the conference rapidly dissolved.

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This item was originally published under my byline in “Reflections”, the literary journal of The Academy for Lifelong Learning of Cape Cod; June Calender, Editor.